


Four Times Sam was Clueless (and One Time He, Unfortunately, Wasn't)

by masked



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel's undone tie, Clueless Sam, Fluff, M/M, Poor Chuck, Researching Dean, That man must be forced to watch so many sex scenes between Dean and Cas, attempted humour, seriously though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masked/pseuds/masked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam should've known. Really. He was smarter than this.</p><p>Written for <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/no_regrets_coyote">no_regrets_coyote</a> when we were talking and this came up: "Sam gets an email for Chuck, reads it and at the end Chuck is like "Could you stop your brother from having sex with the former angel of the Lord, that would be great, thanks" and Sam being at first confused because he had no idea that they were together."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times Sam was Clueless (and One Time He, Unfortunately, Wasn't)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [no_regrets_coyote (athenadevice)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenadevice/gifts).



> Happy birthday, [no_regrets_coyote](http://archiveofourown.org/users/no_regrets_coyote)! May this intricately spun epic of gay love with fluttering rainbows and sunshine give you enough strength to make it through another year!

1\. 

Sam was reading the case on the mysterious death of a 42-year old woman who was mauled by a bear in her living room after what seemed suspiciously like a tea party on the local newspaper when he walked into the motel. "Hey, Dean, so get this-"

Dean slammed Sam's laptop shut, looking guilty as ever.

"God damnit Dean, what did I tell you about watching porn on my laptop?" Sam said, irritated.

"I wasn't watching porn." Dean defended himself poorly.

Sam raised both his eyebrows. "You know I can just check the browser history, right?"

Dean huffed and crossed his arms. "Dude, I wasn't watching porn!"

"Then what the hell were you doing? Research?" Sam mocked.

Dean looked shocked. "Sammy, are you accusing me of not liking research? Because I do. A lot."

"Ugh, Dean, I had to reformat it the last time you went on that Busty Asian Beauties website." Sam ran his hand over his hair.

"I wasn't watching it! Jesus, Sam."

"Yeah, okay." Sam said absently as he opened his laptop and opened his browser. Sure enough, there was some unknown website Sam had never seen before and-

To his credit, he didn't scream.

However, he thought he might've broken the hinge of the laptop with the force he shut it.

"DeanwhattheFUCK." Sam sputtered angrily as he turned to his brother, rolling on the bed laughing. He paused to look up only to see Sam's epic bitchface and went back to laughing all over again. Sam nursed his poor heart as it beat one thousand miles per hour. "That wasn't okay." Sam whispered, the image of the clown's face popping up in the dark background replaying over and over in his head as it laughed maliciously.

"Oh, Sammy." Dean said, wiping the tears in his eyes. "I'm the best hunter in the world. What makes you think I can't cover my tracks?"

"Cover your tracks for _what_ , exactly?" enough to torture the younger brother with never-ending nightmares, he might add.

"Like I said," Dean shrugged. "Research. Sometimes a man finds some things about themselves and needs some confirmation on the matter before deciding anything."

"On?"

Dean clapped him good-heartedly on the shoulder. "That's for me to know, and for you to mind your own business."

Sam should've suspected something. He was usually too smart to let Dean get away with suspicious behaviour, but he was still in shock after seeing the freaky clown's grin, so he just let it go and the incident was soon forgotten.

 

2\. 

"Dean." Castiel gasped out as he dropped to the floor. There was blood slowly oozing out of his abdomen, staining Jimmy's white pristine button up shirt into a nice shade of red.

"What the hell." Dean bolted to Castiel's side and heaved him up. Sam helped by the side.

"Cas, what happened?" Sam asked as they brought him over one of the beds, which happened to be Dean's. Sam silently thanked whoever was listening that he didn't have to sleep on a puddle of blood tonight.

"Cas?" Dean called softly.

Castiel sighed and struggled until he seemed to find his voice. "I was stabbed."

Dean rolled his eyes in frustration. "Yeah, I can see that, Captain Obvious. Care to elaborate?" 

Castiel grunted as a reply. Dean shot Sam a _what the hell?_ look, which Sam replied with a _I don't know_ shrug. 

"I... will heal." Castiel said with effort. "I just need some time."

Dean unbuttoned Castiel, and frowned at the injury. "Wound's not closing up." Dean assessed with a clipped, business-like tone that Sam knew Dean converted to when things were serious. It must be, seeing that Castiel wasn't healing instantly like he usually did when he was hurt. "Sam, grab me some floss and bandages. We have to operate on featherbrain here before he loses too much blood."

Sam shuffled through their supplies. "Shit, we forgot to resupply after the last hunt."

"Better hurry up." Dean said as he tossed the Impala's keys to Sam. "Gonna have to play Nightingale tonight."

"I remember Florence." Castiel said fondly with a pant. "She was a good woman. I liked her."

"Hang in there, Cas." Sam walked out, hearing Dean say up to 'Christ, Cas, you need to stop pulling shit like this on me or I swear to god-' until he was too far away to make anything else out. 

By the time Sam came back with the supplies, Castiel was nowhere to be seen. There was no trace of him left except for the blood stained on Dean's bedsheets. Dean was kneeling beside his bed, his hair ruffled and looking somewhat stunned.

"Where did he go?" Sam asked. 

"He, uh, left." Dean's voice cracked a little.

"You let him leave without getting it properly treated?" Sam frowned, holding up the plastic bag he held in his hands. "Dean, you okay?"

Dean seemed to snap out of his dazed condition at the inquiry, and blinked a few times. He stared at Sam like he was seeing him there for the first time and answered, "What? Yeah, I'm fine. He, uh, he started healing as soon as you left. Said something about needing to be away from the thing that stabbed him until his Grace started undampening, whatever the hell that means."

"What, like Superman and kryptonite?" Sam mused.

Dean shrugged. "I guess so." He cleared his throat. "You hungry? I'm starving."

 

3\. 

Dean insisted they book separate rooms last night. Sam knocked before entering Dean's room in case his lady friend decided to stay around. Knowing Dean, she was probably gone by this time, but it never hurt to be too careful. Sam learned from experience that there was _never_ a 'too careful' with Dean.

Not hearing a response, Sam deemed it to be safe and stepped in with breakfast in hand. From the sound of it, Dean was in the shower. Castiel shot him a wide-eyed glance from the middle of the room, fumbling with his tie. Sam frowned at him in confusion. "Hey, Cas." Sam greeted. "What are you doing here?"

"There was, ah, something occurred." Castiel replied while trying to figure his tie out. "I wanted to be certain that both of you are safe and out of harm."

"What happened?" Sam asked sharply.

Castiel shook his head slightly. "Everything is under control, Sam. There isn't anything to worry about. I took care of it."

Sam stared at Castiel, who wasn't giving him the soul-stare for once, which was weird for him, but he also looked ready to smite his tie. "All right." Sam shrugged it off. He chuckled and stepped closer. "Let me help you with that."

"Thank you." Castiel sighed a breath of relief as Sam took over with the tie. 

"Why did you take it off in the first place?" Sam asked as he worked the knot out. "I've never even seen you out of that trench coat."

"I needed to tie something up." Castiel replied, staring at Sam's hands. At Sam's raised eyebrows, he said, "Improvisation proved to be useful."

If it was anyone else, Sam might've asked them how they got the tie back if they had to tie it up with it in the first place. With Castiel though, Sam figured it was some angelic thing Castiel had to deal with. "Right." Sam patted the beautiful knot he's done. "There you go."

Castiel studied it for a few seconds before nodding in approval. "Thank you." He said again. Then he was gone.

Dean stepped out of the shower a few minutes later, and froze when he spotted Sam by the table. "Uh."

"Breakfast?" Sam asked. "Cas was here a few minute ago. He said he dropped by to check on us or something."

Dean seemed to process the information. "Right." He said, sounding somewhat uncertain. Then he peered into the paper bag on the table. "What d'you get me?"

 

4\. 

Sam hadn't checked his email for a while, so he did just that this morning. Most of them were spam, but one of them was from 'Carver Edlund', so Sam opened it to reveal an email from Chuck. He read through it carefully to see if anything prophet-important was on it, but it seemed to be a regular, nervously written social call. However, his PS was written in an underlined, bolded letters that was in all caps and twice the font size as the rest of the email.

> **PS. PLEASE TELL DEAN TO STOP HAVING SEX. I'M SO TIRED OF WRITING THIS.**

Sam blinked, somewhere between amused and stunned. Of course, Sam had noticed that Dean had wanted separate rooms a lot more than usual these days, though half the time Sam hadn't seen him go out to a bar. Still, what Dean did during his spare time was not a concern of Sam's, and really, Dean was a full grown man and Sam wasn't going to tell him to stop having sex. That was a conversation Sam really could move on with life without having. 

Poor Chuck, Sam pitied, thinking back to those Supernatural books with Dean's sex scenes. 

Sam closed the window without giving it much thought. 

 

5.

Sam was on the way back from the diner picking up their dinner when his phone starting ringing. "Hello?"

He was answered with half of a muffled sob. "Sam." Chuck croaked.

"Chuck? What's wrong?" Sam asked, suddenly alarmed and gripped the steering wheel tight.

"You didn't tell him." Chuck sobbed. "I _told_ you to tell him! I get that they finally got around to telling each other and they're in love and everything, I _get_ that, but they've _got_ to tone it down or I think my head is going to spontaneously combust at any second. I think my head is literally trying to _kill_ me."

"What?" Sam frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"I swear if you don't stop them, I will personally hunt you guys down and step into your room with a gun to my head if it means the archangel stopping them from having sex ever again-"

"Chuck." Sam called.

"-do you hear me? Sam, be a good friend and _please_ just-"

"Chuck." Sam called a little forcefully.

"-if you don't stop it, I will call you every day and read the whole damn scenes to you just so you suffer with me-"

"Chuck!" Sam yelled.

Chuck paused and asked, "What?" 

"Who the hell are you talking about?"

"Dean and Cas." Chuck said exasperatedly. "You need to stop them from having sex all the time. I get a headache every time a vision comes to me, and watching gay sex between the Righteous Man and an Angel of the Lord in the back of my head every blinking moment of my life really wasn't the way I planned to go."

Sam stared at the phone for a second. He brought it back to his ear. "Didn't I tell you to get off the hard stuff, Chuck?"

"God damnit, Sam!" Chuck hissed. "I had to wake up at 4 in the morning yesterday and type out 7 pages worth of description about them having sex, _single spaced_ , just to kill all this pulsing behind the back of my eyes, and I don't _ever_ want to see the word 'manhood' ever _again_."

"Chuck." Sam said carefully. "Dean and Cas, I don't think they're like that."

He heard a miserable groan from the other end. "You don't know." Chuck muttered. "Of course you don't know. I should've known the moment Dean started googling his 'symptoms' whenever Cas was around on your laptop."

Sam stiffened as he slammed the Impala's door, suddenly thinking back to the clown incident. 

"Wait, Sam." Chuck said with sudden sharpness to his tone and the noise of shuffling paper around in the background. "Where are you? What are you doing?"

"Huh? Uh, I'm just back at our motel with dinner. Why?"

"Sam, whatever you do, don't go in-"

Sam had already opened the door by that point. "UGH JESUS WHAT THE HELL." He slammed the door shut.

"I tried to warn you." Chuck said, pity thick in his tone.

"I gotta go, Chuck." Sam replied absently, too distracted by the image he's just seen.

"Shit." He heard Dean mutter from behind the door. There was a rustling of clothing, hopefully putting them all back on, Sam thought.

"Should I leave?" Castiel's low voice asked. 

"Dude, you are _not_ leaving me alone to deal with _that_."

"He's _your_ brother." Castiel complained.

"Uh uh." Dean grunted. "No. You are sticking around until we are done explaining to Sammy there what happened."

"Dean." Wow, Sam could almost hear the eye roll. "Sam is a full grown man. I'm sure he understands that I didn't just _happen_ to be naked right before falling on your-"

" _Okay_ , stop." Sam squealed and opened the door. Thankfully, both of them were dressed this time. They seemed to shuffle nervously under Sam's gaze, which, if it was any other circumstances, Sam would probably feel good about. "Since when?"

"Uh." Dean looked at the ceiling. "Since that time Cas dropped by with a hole in his stomach?"

Recalling back to the event, Sam's eyes widened with shock. "That was 5 _months_ ago! When were you guys going to tell me any of this crap?"

Castiel was scratching the back of his neck. Dean continued to stare at the ceiling like it was the most fascinating thing he's ever laid eyes upon. Sam sighed wearily, suddenly feeling like a parent who walked in on their child clumsily experimenting with another person for the first time.

Two of them were in their thirties, and one was older than humanity, for God's sake.

"And Dean, you _knew_ I was only gone to get dinner. Did you really _have_ to do this now?" Sam asked, a little peeved.

"Hey, that wasn't my fault!" Dean protested. "Cas was the one who suggested we should go for a quickie while-"

Castiel impressively glared at the side of Dean's face. "If I recall, I wasn't the one who suggested moving things along beyond-"

"Okay, stop. I don't want to know." Sam said, and thankfully they both did. "Just-" Sam flushed. "Use protections and uhm, remember to be safe and stuff, I guess and-"

Dean stared at him with disbelief. "Are you seriously giving me the birds and the bees talk?"

"Shut up." Sam scowled. He suddenly remembered back to Chuck's threat on reading all the sex scenes to him if he didn't stop them. "Uh, Chuck told me to tell you guys to tone it down a little bit. Killer headaches, apparently."

Dean's jaw unhinged while Castiel only nodded in reply. Getting more satisfaction out of Dean's reaction than intended, Sam grinned. "Well, here's your dinner, Dean." He said, putting the take-out box on the table.

He turned around at the door and rolled his eyes at Dean's stiffness. "You know I'm okay with it, right? I don't care how you identify yourself sexually."

He watched as Dean relaxed visibly and nodded wordlessly. Being the awesome little brother that Sam is (not to mention that this was more for his own good), he booked a separate room on the opposite side of the motel that night.


End file.
